The Pureblooded Everyday Antics of Lucius Malfoy
by Duchess of Inkling
Summary: Lucius Malfoy leads an intriguing, decadent life. Of course it takes an author like me to report of it in a series of stories that are sufficiently stupid to be entertaining to all you muggles out there.
1. Chapter 1: Lucius Malfoy Makes A Tshirt

Chapter 1:  
  
Lucius Malfoy Makes A T-shirt  
  
Lucius Malfoy sat at his very big and very shiny table, hunched over a bunch of black fabric. The tip of his really amazingly elegant and, some say, athletic tongue was sticking out of his mouth as he carefully painted silver letters on the t- shirt. From time to time he muttered the letters P, I, M, and P a little to himself, tense with concentration. After a very, very long time he held up the T-shirt, and cocked his head from side to side, as if trying to look at it from various angles. Finally, he nodded apprehensively, and walked away.  
  
The next day, Severus Snape suddenly found himself confronting a very strange T-shirt slogan. "Lucius," he said, his eyes glued to the word proudly displayed on Lucius' aristocratic chest, "What is a PIPM?" 


	2. Chapter 2: Lucius Malfoy And Severus Sna...

Chapter 2:  
  
Lucius Malfoy And Severus Snape Have A Mean Set Of Wheels  
  
Lucius Malfoy's face appeared in Snape's fireplace.. "Hello Lucius," Snape said, putting down his quill, "What is it?" "You simply must come over here, NOW!" Lucius hissed excitedly, "I have to show you something!" Snape sighed deeply. "Alright, give me half an hour to get to the border of the Hogwarts grounds," he said, and wearily started to get up from his desk chair.  
  
Half an hour later he was standing on the terrace at the back of Malfoy Mansion, looking, to his surprise, at a scruffy bicycle, and at Lucius, who was gazing down at it fondly. The bicycle had, rather amateurishly, been painted black, with silver frills on the handlebars. At the back of the bicycle, there was a little black flagpole, with a flag on it saying "MM".  
  
"Isn't it beautiful???" Lucius sighed.  
  
"It's just a bicycle." Snape shrugged.  
  
"It's not JUST A BICYCLE!" Lucius said in an offended voice. "It's the MalfoyMobile!!"  
  
"...Riight." Snape replied, staring at the bicycle.  
  
"Oh, and guess what?" Lucius said, grinning in a scarily cheerful way, "I've got something for you, too!" Immediately he ran towards a large object to Snape's right, which was covered in what he considered to be a rather poncy dust cover with green and silver unicorns on it. Lucius pulled the cover away, revealing a small, lumpy moped, painted gold in the same amateuristic fashion as the bicycle. It had the same little flagpole at the back, this time carrying a banner saying "SS".  
  
Snape's eyes widened. "What's THAT??" he exclaimed, fearing the worst.  
  
"THAT is the Snape Scooter." Lucius said. "Now we can go everywhere together!"  
  
Snape sighed again. "Lucius," he said, very slowly, "You're a wizard. You don't NEED a bicycle. Nor do you need a scooter."  
  
"No?" Lucius asked disappointedly, fingering the dust cover that he was still holding.  
  
"No." Snape said.  
  
They were silent for a while. "Hey, wanna go throw pebbles at Potter's dorm window?" Snape said, finally.  
  
"Yeah, sure," Lucius said, and they walked away into the glorious sunset. 


	3. Chapter 3: Lucius Malfoy Has A Walk In T...

Chapter 3:  
  
Lucius Malfoy Has A Walk In The Rain  
  
Lucius Malfoy was walking through the rain, but he did not get wet. No, he did not get wet at all, because next to him there was a blonde girl holding a bright pink umbrella with red and yellow hearts over his head. Nonetheless, he was looking very, very disgruntled.  
  
"But sir, it was the only one left in the house!!" the girl called.  
  
"I know," Lucius growled, "but did it HAVE to be Draco's umbrella???" 


	4. Chapter 4: Lucius Malfoy And Severus Sna...

Chapter 4: Lucius Malfoy And Severus Snape Have A Very Tasteful And Not At All Romantic Tête-à-tête  
  
"I think I'll have the eel soup first, and then the crow pie...." Snape said thoughtfully, looking intently at the menu.  
  
"Rararararararaaaa." Lucius drawled in reply.  
  
"Excuse me?" Snape said, raising one eyebrow.  
  
"Raarararaarararara, rarara!!!!!" Lucius said irritably, dropping his menu card.  
  
"I'm sorry, I can't understand you if all you're saying is 'Rarara'." Snape said.  
  
Lucius very slowly arose from his chair and shook his hair threateningly.  
  
"Lucius, what's wrong??' Snape asked, backing away from the livid Lucius, who was now once again omitting a stream of drawling sounds no-one could possibly be expected to understand.  
  
Then Lucius drew a big, angry breath, and bellowed: "SEVERUS, I TALK LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME!!!"  
  
"Really??" Snape mumbled, leaning away from him.  
  
"YES!" Lucius shouted "LISTEN: RARARARARA!! RARARARARA!!!"  
  
"Oh, right!" Snape said, an expression of great enlightenment on his face. "So you want the salad? Why didn't you just say so??" 


	5. Chapter 5: Lucius Malfoy Revamps His Gar...

Chapter 5: Lucius Malfoy Re-Vamps his garden  
  
Alan Titchmarsh was sitting in the middle of a humungous stretch of land, that had trees and paths and odd little buildings and statues and beautifully kept bits of borders and herb gardens scattered around it. He was slowly digging a patch for the charming "Jungle style" border he envisioned for this odd little spot next to what looked remarkably like a graveyard.  
  
"You know, Mr Malfoy," he said to the very strange looking, but very rich man that had hired him. "I'm not sure this would be the right place for a border. Are you sure that.." His voice trailed off, as next to his ear, the man suddenly hissed in a rather menacing voice: "I am not paying you to think, I am paying you to do as I say."  
  
Alan shrugged. He was never the type to argue, so he said; "Alright then, we'll see how it turns out," and kept digging.  
  
When the sun began to set and the hole in the ground was at least 5 feet deep, Alan thought this might be getting just little silly, so he gently lay down his shovel on the grass, and said: "Well, I really must be getting home now, so we'll continue this tomorrow, shall we, Mr Malfoy?"  
  
"Yes, that is an excellent idea, Mr Titchmarsh," Lucius replied, giving Alan a shove in the back to make him fall into the grave he had just dug for himself. With a flick of his wand, Lucius levitated the earth back in, and he walked back to his house, a very smug expression on his face.  
  
"No more Ground Force! NO MORE GROUND FORCE!!!!" he called out to the setting sun, and giggled evilly. 


	6. Chapter 6: The Stalker

Chapter 6: The Stalker....  
  
In the middle of the night, in total disregard of the fact that he had no use at all for a telephone and therefore did not own one, Severus Snape was awoken by the sound of a phone ringing next to his ear. He sleepily reached for the receiver, found it, and yawned: "Hello?"  
  
The only response he got was the sound of very heavy breathing. "HELLO?" he called. The panting became slightly louder. "If you are a student.." He said threateningly. Again, the only reply was heavy breathing. He listened to it for a few seconds.. Suddenly it dawned on him.  
  
"Oh, hello Lucius.." he said. "how are you?" 


	7. Chapter 7: Lucius Malfoy Buys Remus Lupi...

Chapter 7: Lucius Malfoy Buys Remus Lupin Off E-bay  
  
One morning, Remus Lupin opened his front door to retrieve his usual bottle of milk, and found himself facing instead the tastefully clad frontal part of none other than Lucius Malfoy.  
  
"Oh, hello there, Mr Malfoy, what can I do for you?" He asked, repressing the urge to slam the door in Lucius' face.  
  
"I have come to take what is rightfully mine," Lucius replied, grabbing the collar of Lupin's shabby plaid shirt, and pulling at it forcefully.  
  
Lupin started to slap at Lucius' hand, staying put by holding on to the doorframe. "Wait a minute, that shirt isn't yours!" he shouted, perplexed.  
  
"Oh, it's not the shirt that is mine," Lucius replied, his eyebrows raised. "It's you."  
  
"Lucius, I am not your property." Lupin said, looking up at Lucius with a dangerous glint in his eyes.  
  
"Yes you are," Lucius said. "I bought you on E-bay yesterday."  
  
"WHAT?" Lupin said.  
  
"I...bought..you...on...E..Bay...yes.ter...day." Lucius said, articulating carefully. "Look, here is the confirmation e-mail." He held out a sheet of paper.  
  
Lupin grabbed it and read it several times over. "Well, you're right, I am now your property." he finally admitted, and he had no other choice than to let himself be dragged to Malfoy Mansion by the still ragged collar of his scruffy plaid shirt. 


	8. Chapter 8: Lucius Malfoy Wants That Dres...

(A/N: I would like to grasp this opportunity to express my undying adoration for Lady Twatterby, by momentarily overcoming my equally everlasting hate of author's note, as yours truly would prefer to stay the allknowing, universe manipulating power she is in the world of her own literature, but she gave me her summary of MH Abrams' Glossay of Literary terms, which is so very kind of her that I wrote this chapter in tribute of her astounding greatness, and this author's note to go with it)  
  
Chapter 8: Lucius Malfoy Wants That Dress  
  
With an expression of haughty glee in his cold blue eyes, Lucius Malfoy swept into Harrods, quickly ascending the stairs to the Lady's Wear Department. The corners of his mouth twitching in a half-smile, he looked through the racks of dresses eagerly and quickly, until he spotted the dress he was looking for..on a tall girl with long wavy hair, standing in front of a mirror. Immediately he stalked towards her, in his most intimidating, most dangerous, haughtiest way.  
  
"YOU'RE WEARING MY DRESS!" He growled into her ear. The girl started, and turned around, looking rather confused. "Er......I mean........ the dress I was going to buy for my WIFE!" Lucius added quickly. "I promised to buy for her, and that was the last one in her size! Give it back!" He started to pull the left strap of the dress.  
  
The girl wearing the dress watched him for a few seconds, then slapped him "Get off me," she said. "You b....!" Lucius hissed, "give me that dress!", and he launched himself unto her, starting to pull her hair. Within seconds a passionate catfight had broken out.  
  
Other people and several shop assistants stopped to look at the extraordinary sight of a grown, slightly scary looking man and a girl in a Dior dress rolling around on the floor, screeching hysterically and slapping each other (although most of the screeching seemed to come from the man).  
  
'Wait a second,' Lucius thought, as he gave her a particularly vicious scratch, 'this is an attractive young girl. Why on earth do I not try to take her dress off in more pleasant manner?' But just as he stopped slapping to consider this, she kicked him in the groin.  
The onlookers made a concerned 'ooooh' sound, as he rolled off her, groaning. The girl only laughed at him, and went back into the dressing room. Slowly and swaying, Lucius got up. "I'll get you!" he snarled at the closed curtain, and he stumbled away towards the food department, in search of some comforting unpasteurised Stilton. 


	9. Chapter 9: Lucius Malfoy So Does NOT Stu...

Chapter 9: Lucius Malfoy So Does NOT Stun Laurence Llewellyn Bowen To Make Him Into An Umbrella/Hat Stand  
  
"Sooooo, what do you think??" Laurence said, clasping his hands together and looking around the newly redecorated bedroom smugly.  
  
"It's quite satisfactory. May I compliment you on the job you did on the mirror-covered ceiling? And those hangings on the bed! Oh, they are just what I wanted. And you made it so all my old..trinkets fitted in with the new décor very nicely too." Lucius drawled, pleased with himself.  
  
"Oh yes, some lovely, lovely things you have, Mr Malfoy. Even though I swear that one of those fabulous cabinets tried to bite me when I attempted to move it to the left." Laurence said, raising an eyebrow, and sweeping his hair out of his face with a short gesture of his hand.  
  
"Thank you, Mr Llewellyn Bowen, I'm afraid they're all heirlooms and have a mind of their own sometimes. But they're all quite harmless most of the time, and so beautiful to look at. Why don't you stay for a brandy or two?" Lucius said, making his way to the liquor cabinet next to the now zebra- skin covered sofa. "Oh, would you be so kind as to take the crystal glasses from the left side of that closet on your right?" He added, indicating an enormous, black closet decorated with engraved, coiled snakes on the doors to Laurence's right.  
  
"Oh, of course," Laurence said, and swung the door open gracefully. "AAAAAAAAAAAH!" he immediately screamed, as a tall, very pale man dressed in elaborate black robes sprung out, and instantly declared: "Immobile!" Laurence froze on the spot, his hands halfway in the air. "Wonderful, Severus." Lucius smirked, as Snape emerged from the closet, and together they carried Laurence to his new spot, just behind the door.  
  
"Why don't you take off your cloak and have a few brandies?" Lucius said to Snape, who took off his cloak and hung it carefully on Laurence's left arm, and it looked fabulous, just like everything Laurence designs. 


	10. Chapter 10: Gentlemen prefer blondes

(A/N: In a bid to be nice to people for once, a thank you to the few people who have reviewed this silliness, and thank you for reading it. I hope you will bear with me in the future, as it WILL become even dumber, and there even might be more author's notes)  
  
Chapter 10: Gentlemen prefer blondes  
  
"Hey, Severus," Lucius said to Snape, an uncharacteristically big grin on his face.  
  
"What is it, Lucius?" Snape replied, putting down his glass.  
  
"What do you call a smart blonde?" Lucius said, his grin widening.  
  
"I have no idea, Lucius," Snape said, uninterested.  
  
"A golden retriever!" Lucius said.  
  
"Very funny, Lucius," Snape replied, as Lucius giggled madly.  
  
"Hey Severus," Lucius said, after a few minutes.  
  
"What..?" Snape said.  
  
"Why don't blondes eat bananas?" Lucius said.  
  
Snape sighed. "Why not?" he said.  
  
"They can't find the zipper!" Lucius said, his eyes glittering with amusement.  
  
"Fantastic, Lucius" Snape said, and ordered another whiskey.  
  
"Hey Severus," Lucius said. "Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?"  
  
Snape raised an eyebrow. "No?" he said.  
  
"She kept having affairs with men!" Lucius said, and nearly fell off his chair as he went into a fit of giggling. "Blondes are so dumb!" he finally said happily, as he wiped the tears of laughter from his eyes.  
  
Snape sighed again. "Lucius," he said.  
  
"Yes?" Lucius said.  
  
"YOU'RE blond." Snape said. 


	11. Chapter 11: Lucius Malfoy Gets A New Hou...

(A/N: There are far too many author's notes in this story. Anyway. This one is for my dear friend and partner in..whatever it is we do, the ever fantastic Spriggsm. Give him a hand, he's Irish!)  
  
Chapter 11: Lucius Malfoy Gets A New House Elf  
  
"Severus!" Lucius called through the pub, "Look what I've got!" He put a very big cage covered in a green cloth, that he had been levitating, down on the filthy pub table at which Snape was sitting.  
  
"What on earth." Snape started, but Lucius interrupted him.  
  
"It's my new house elf." He said, excitedly. "He still needs a name though. Maybe Wombly. Or Jizzy. Or more appropriately, Grumpy." He pulled the cloth from the cage, to reveal a grumpy looking man, who was sitting in what looked like a very uncomfortable position in the cage.  
  
"Finally." The man said. "And I'm not an elf."  
  
"Lucius, that's not a house elf." Snape said. "It's a muggle."  
  
"He is?!!" Lucius exclaimed. "But I caught him myself!"  
  
"You had better bring him back then, before you get into trouble again with the Ministry." Snape said, gazing at the man, who was now mumbling "Crazy English bastards" under his breath.  
  
"Oh. Well. Back to Ireland it is, then." Lucius said, throwing the cloth over the cage, and he hurried out.  
  
A month later he returned, the same cage hovering in front of him. "I'm absolutely sure I've got one this time, Severus!" Lucius said, beaming at Snape. He pulled the cover from the cage. The exact same man he had brought with him last time was sitting, now even more disgruntled, in the cage.  
  
"You're an idiot." He said to Lucius, and to Snape: "Oh, it's you again. Will you tell him?"  
  
"Lucius, that's the. Same. Muggle." Snape said.  
  
"Really?" Lucius said. "But I'm sure that.." He looked at the man closely. "Maybe you're right." Sighing heavily, he took the cage and swept out again.  
  
A few weeks later, Lucius came back, with the same cage. Snape braced himself. "Et voila!" Lucius said, unveiling... the same man that had been in the cage the last two times.  
  
"Merlin's beard, Lucius!" Snape groaned. "That's still the same muggle!"  
  
"I'm starting to get sick of this." The man in the cage said.  
  
Lucius looked at him for a while, puzzled. "Oh well. I bet he'll make a great pair of boots for Narcissa anyway." He then said, taking the cage, and stormed out again. 


	12. Chapter 12: Lucius Malfoy And Severus Sn...

(A/N: Mutant Giant Pear-shaped Head Man was on some old valentine's card, to which I had posted a link, but apparently ff.net doesn't do links, so you'll just have to picture him in your mind. I love Mutant Giant Pear- shaped Head Man, and I am going to have his babies)  
  
Chapter 12: Lucius Malfoy And Severus Snape Meet Mutant Giant Pear-shaped Head Man  
  
One day, as Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape were sitting in the Hog's  
Head, a man with a giant, pear-shaped head walked in and sat down at  
the table behind Snape.  
Lucius gasped. "Severus! Don't look now but a man with a giant, pear-  
shaped head has just walked in!"  
  
Snape snorted. "Nice try Lucius. I'm not falling for that again."  
  
"But it REALLY IS a man with a giant, pear-shaped head!" Lucius  
replied, his eyes wide.  
  
"Lucius, give it a rest will you," Snape said, annoyed.  
  
"Just turn around and look, for one moment. I swear, the Mutant Giant  
Pear-shaped Head Man is sitting right behind you!" Lucius whispered.  
  
Snape set down his glass, exasperated. "Lucius, that was most  
definitely the last time I tell you about my nightmares. Now will you  
FINALLY stop teasing me with it?"  
  
"But he's RIGHT BEHIND YOU!" Lucius hissed, hysterically, looking at  
something behind Snape.  
  
Lucius was acting so oddly, Snape nearly started to believe him. "He's  
not right behind me....and I am going to prove it....by turning around  
and looking." Snape said. He drew a long, composing breath, and turned  
around.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!! IT'S MUTANT GIANT PEAR SHAPED HEAD MAN! PLEASE  
DONT KILL ME" He screamed, as he saw Mutant Giant Pear-shaped Head Man,  
sitting right behind him.  
  
Mutant Giant Pear-shaped Head Man turned around, puzzled, and looked at  
them, as Lucius and Snape both darted away, and scrambled towards the  
door frantically, screaming. 


	13. Chapter 13: Lucius Malfoy The Gay Detect...

Chapter 13: Lucius Malfoy Is The Gay Detective  
  
One day Lucius Malfoy met Severus Snape on the corner of Knockturn Alley, wearing a long, pink raincoat. He looked around with one eyebrow raised, his face nearly hidden by the upturned collar of the raincoat, and, as silently as he could, snuck up to Snape, who had seen him coming anyway, because you don't see a grown man with a pink raincoat every day, certainly not in Knockturn Alley. "What are you doing?" Snape asked, confused.  
  
'I am snooping." Lucius said. He looked over his shoulder quickly, as if to see whether he was being followed.  
  
"Why are you snooping? And are you being followed?" Snape asked, with genuine concern. Merlin knew there were plenty of reasons for the Ministry to keep an eye on Lucius.  
  
"No...not yet.."Lucius said, his eyes narrowing. "But it is my task to snoop, being a detective."  
  
"A detective?" Snape said. "Since when are you a detective?"  
  
"Since today." Lucius said. "I.. am the gay detective.  
  
"You're the gay detective?" Snape asked. "Is that why you're wearing a pink raincoat?"  
  
Lucius looked shocked. "You thought I meant..No! Nononono! I mean gay as in, happy. The happy detective. You know."  
  
"Yeah, right.." Snape muttered to himself. 


	14. Chapter 14: A Boy In The Bush Is Worth T...

Chapter 14: A Boy In The Bush Is Worth Two In The Hand  
  
(with thanks to Morrissey and my loyal reviewers)  
  
Snape was walking back to Hogwarts, past a row of tall shrubs that grew on the side of the road. Suddenly, a breathy voice came from behind the branches.. "Hello there, little boy. I have a little fluffy bunny.do you want to see it?"  
  
Snape sighed. "Gods, Lucius, will you please give it up." He said, and walked on. 


	15. Chapter 15: Lucius Malfoy The Birthday B...

(A/N: Thanks again to Spriggsm for.ahem... being an inspiration)  
  
Chapter 15: Lucius Malfoy The Birthday Boy  
  
Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape were sitting on one of the sofas in Lucius' sitting room, amongst a mass of empty Fire Whiskey bottles, expensive crystal glasses, and black and red birthday party decorations.  
  
"Well, Lucius," Snape said. "I know you already have everything, but. I've bought you a present anyway." He gave Lucius a big, broomstick shaped package, wrapped in what looked suspiciously much like students' essays, all marked with a large, ugly 'T'.  
  
"Oh, Severus, how uncharacteristically thoughtful of you," Lucius drawled, and started to unwrap the gift. Slowly, there emerged a small, plastic broomstick, bearing a plastic sticker that said "HP" in strange, golden letters. "A broomstick?" Lucius said, mystified. "But.."  
  
"No, look." Snape said. "If you push that button there, it vibrates." He indicated a button on the handle, and pushed it.  
  
"Ooohh!' Lucius said, as the broomstick started to pulsate, "I see... Hold on a minute.." He took the broomstick and disapparated.  
  
Snape waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. When an hour had passed, and Lucius still hadn't returned, he decided to look for him, and apparated to the first floor. He walked towards Lucius' bedroom. An odd whirring noise came from behind the door. Snape frowned. Coughing embarrassedly, he went down the stairs again, took a glass and a few bottles, and resumed the drinking binge.  
  
When, at 11 at night, Lucius still hadn't returned, he stepped into the fireplace, and went back to Hogwarts. 


	16. Chapter 16: Lucius Malfoy's Pyama Party

Chapter 16: Lucius Malfoy's Pyama Party  
  
A group of unidentified people in black robes with white masks on was sitting in a circle in Lucius Malfoy's bedroom. A few of them were eating cake, which was rather hard underneath the masks that were now smeared with icing and whipped cream, a few of them were drinking strange beverages through straws, and a few of them were having their nails done by Lucius. He had originally wanted to do their hair, but since that was all hidden by the hoods of their robes, that was impossible.  
  
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. "Boys, it's bedtime!" called a female voice from the hallway. Lucius jumped up, and started to pull back the duvet of his very, very, impossibly big bed. "Alright, everybody in." He said.  
  
The people on the floor were looking at him in amazement from behind their masks. "Oh, silly me," Lucius said. "I forgot to give you your sleeping masks." He tossed a bunch of white, cotton masks to the bunch of people on the floor. They replaced their own masks with the softer, cloth ones, and started to make their way unto the bed, while Lucius dimmed the lights.  
  
Snape cursed to himself when he felt Lucius snuggle up to him, his arm tight around Snape's waist. On the other side of Lucius, he could see Voldemort, who was also wearing a hooded cloak, but no mask. The rest quickly nodded off, leaving Snape to suffocate slowly in the sleeping Lucius' iron grip.  
  
Snape felt what he thought was Crabbe's hand slowly crawling up his thigh, and groaned exasperatedly into what was going to be a very, very long night. 


	17. Chapter 17: Lucius Malfoy Makes A New Ha...

(A/N: You have to admit that Film!Lucius' hat looks * exactly * like a paper hat. Well, I think so, anyway. And thanks to the reviewers)  
  
Chapter 17: Lucius Malfoy Makes A New Hat  
  
Because a particularly violent gust of wind has blown Lucius Malfoy's hat away, he decided to make himself a new one. After all, it was only made of black, fur-lined paper, and it couldn't be that hard to fold a hat, could it.  
  
So he laid out the paper on the table, put some glue next to it, and started to fold.  
  
A few hours later, Narcissa returned from whatever it was she was doing, to find her husband at the table, his hands stuck in a sheet of black paper, and the sheet of paper stuck to the fly on his trousers.  
  
"I need a new hat." Was all he said. 


	18. Chapter 18: Lucius Malfoy Gets Terrifica...

Chapter 18: Lucius Malfoy Gets Terrifically Lost In A Dutch Town Of Moderate Size  
  
Lucius Malfoy was contently making his way down the high street of an ancient Dutch town of moderate size, as he returned from buying a few artefacts from his favourite antiques dealer, when he suddenly realised that he did not have a clue where he was.  
  
He looked around for a fireplace, so he could floo back home, but did not see one anywhere, except a fake one in a shop. He could not apparate, as he was in the middle of a crowded street, and he did not know where the way out of this damned old town of moderate size was.  
  
So he decided to do the only sensible thing; he walked up to a man in light green trousers who was just passing, jumped on his back, hit him in the side with his walking stick and said in his most commanding voice: "Take me home."  
  
"WHAT??" the man said. He was only small, and swaggered under the weight.  
  
"Home. Now." Lucius said. "Malfoy Manor."  
  
"Eh, okay." The man said in a surprised, squeaky voice, and started to walk. 


	19. Chapter 19: Lord Voldemort Attempts To O...

Chapter 19: Lord Voldemort Attempts To Outdo Lucius Malfoy's Incredibly Tasteful Interior Design, And Succeeds, To The Extreme Discontent Of The Latter  
  
"Come in, master Malfoy," Peter Pettigrew said when he opened the door to the slightly bedraggled manor in which Lord Voldemort currently resided, and bowed slightly as Lucius Malfoy swept into the hall. "The Dark Lord will be waiting for you in the second room on the left, up the first stairs." Peter added.  
  
Lucius quickly ran up the stairs, eager to know why his Lord had summoned him, the Mark in his arm still smouldering with pain, as if to remind him of the urgency of the call. He knocked on the door. "Ah, come in, Lucius." A weak, rasping voice from behind the door called out. Lucius timidly opened the door, spotted Voldemort standing in front of the window, and sank down onto his knees in a deep bow. "My Lord," he said, his eyes cast down.  
  
"Stand up," Voldemort said, looking down at him with his watery red eyes. "I have something to show you." Lucius' eyes narrowed as he slowly rose from his kneeling position. This couldn't be good. Voldemort slowly scuttled over to a large lump covered in a white sheet.  
  
"Take off your cloak, Lucius," Voldemort said, a grin that spelt "NOT GOOD" in very large neon letters on his white, scaly face. Lucius did as he was told, even though he did not like that grin on his master's face. "..and put it on..this!" Voldemort croaked, triumph in his voice, pulling the sheet from the lump.  
  
There, her hands raised in the air in despair, stood the former Queen of England, a long black cloak dangling from her right hand. "Great, isn't it?' Voldemort said. "Better than Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen, hhhmm?"  
  
"Yes..much better." Lucius admitted, and gave a disgruntled little snort.  
  
Voldemort gave a slightly louder snort.  
  
Lucius replied with a more disgruntled snort.  
  
Voldemort gave a very disdainful snort of ultimate evil, and Lucius left, huffing offendedly. 


End file.
